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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Zombies
Zombie survival guides are a blood-stained dime a dozen, but won’t somebody please 
think of the zombies? It’s a hard “life,” full of unending hunger, long monotonous stretches of boredom, a homogenous diet, and unceasing drool. Plus, you never get to change into a clean pair of underwear, and that’s just bad luck.
Well, I’m somebody—a yummy body to the zombies—and I’m happy to oblige. It seems fitting that I, man of alterity and otherness, would be considerate of the needs of zombies. You don’t get much more otherwise than they. So without further moaning, zombie-walk ado, I present seven habits of highly effective zombies.
- Get Involved in a Community – The lone wolf or isolated zombie is easily seen, easily avoided, and easily whacked. Join a mass of your fellow flesh-eaters and stay hidden. It offers you safety, strength in numbers, and a better chance of surrounding and getting your mouth on some of that living meat you so excitedly crave.
- Be Patient – Aristotle taught that virtue is a mean between excess and defect. When you’re in a group advancing on your prey, don’t rush to the front where you’ll be the first to fall, and don’t meander at the very back where you’ll never get your hands on even a multiply-stomped-on strip of intestine. You want to be close to the front, but biding your time. Wait for the frontline zombies to wear down the food. When it’s your turn to strike, your meal will be exhausted, out of bullets, and primed for you, the walking abattoir.
- Have Foresight – This habit is also important before you become a zombie. If you know you’re doomed to be dinner and maybe to life as a zombie, try to get bitten on a part of your body that won’t slow you down or handicap you later. Avoid bites on the leg. You’ll want mobility. The face is fine, but make sure you still have a working jaw. You can get by without an arm, but you’ll be a much more effective killer with all your appendages intact. I recommend guiding the gnawing jaw of a zombie to your chest or back.
- Keep Your Moaning to a Minimum – No sense in announcing your presence. If your voice box alerts your prey, rip it out. You’re a zombie; you can take the biblical injunction literally.
- Eat on the Run – Some zombies like to sit or crouch down to relax and enjoy their food. This is usually unwise. The living may be lurking, looking for distracted zombies to bash in the head. If you must sit, have your back against a wall, and eat with your head up and your eyes peeled. By the way, peeled eye is quite succulent if you can get your hands on some.
- Attack the Unarmed – This may seem a no brainer, but that’s part of your problem, isn’t it? Stay away from humans with guns, blades, bats, and other weapons. You may want to focus on anyone unarmed who could conceivably obtain a weapon and appears to have the knowhow to use it, but this approach obviously has its risks.
- Stalk Close Friends and Family – No one wants to shoot a spouse, parent, child, or good friend in the head. Take advantage of this momentary hesitation to go in for the kill. Beloved celebrities like Justin Bieber or Katy Perry should stalk their once adoring now delicious fans. On the flip side, avoid your enemies, and, if you were a horrible boss, your former employees. People lose their moral compass during a zombie apocalypse and won’t hesitate the blow the brains out of people they really hated if presented with the mere possibility that they’ve become zombies. In The Simpsons, Zombie Flanders learned this the hard way when approaching his neighbor Homer, who, after shooting his undead foe, remarked, “He was a zombie?”
So there you have it. Happy effective hunting!
ZOMBIE PREPPERS – Using zombies to teach science and medicine
With my colleague Greg Tinkler, I spent an afternoon last week at a local public library talking to kids about zombies:
The Zombie Apocalypse is coming. Will you be ready? University of Iowa epidemiologist Dr. Tara Smith will talk about how a zombie virus might spread and how you can prepare. Get a list of emergency supplies to go home and build your own zombie kit, just in case. Find out what to do when the zombies come from neuroscientist Dr. Greg Tinkler. As a last resort, if you can’t beat them, join them. Disguise yourself as a zombie and chow down on brrraaaaiiins, then go home and freak out your parents.
Why zombies? Obviously they’re a hot topic right now, particularly with the ascendance of The Walking Dead. They’re all over ComicCon. There are many different versions so the “rules” regarding zombies are flexible, and they can be used to teach all different kinds of scientific concepts–and more importantly, to teach kids how to *think* about translating some of this knowledge into practice (avoiding a zombie pandemic, surviving one, etc.) We ended up with about 30 people there: about 25 kids (using the term loosely, they ranged in age from maybe age 10 to 18 or so) and a smattering of adults. I covered the basics of disease transmission, then discussed how it applied to a potential “zombie germ,” while Greg explained how understanding the neurobiology of zombies can aid in fleeing from or killing them. The kids were involved, asked great questions, and even taught both of us a thing or two (and gave us additional zombie book recommendations!)
For infectious diseases, there are all kinds of literature-backed scenarios that can get kids discussing germs and epidemiology. People can die and reanimate as zombies, or they can just turn into infected “rage monsters” who try to eat you without actually dying first. They can have an extensive incubation period, or they can zombify almost immediately. Each situation calls for different types of responses–while the “living” zombies may be able to be killed in a number of different ways, for example, reanimated zombies typically can only be stopped by destroying the brains. Discussing these situations allows the kids to use critical thinking skills, to plan attacks and think through choice of weapons, escape routes and vehicles, and consider what they might need in a survival kit.
Likewise, zombie microbes can be spread through biting, through blood, through the air, by fomites or water, even by mosquitoes in some books. Agents can be viral, bacterial, fungal, prions or parasitic insect larvae (or combinations of those). Mulling on these different types of transmission issues and asking simple questions:
“How would you protect yourself if infection was spread through the air versus only spread by biting?”
“How well would isolation of infected people work if the incubation period is very long versus very short?”
“Why might you want to thoroughly wash your zombie-killing arrows before using them to kill squirrels, which you will then eat?” (ahem, Daryl)
can open up avenues of discussion into scientific issues that the kids don’t even realize they’re talking about (pandemic preparedness, for one). And the great thing is that these kids are *already experts* on the subject matter. They don’t have to learn about the epidemiology of a particular microbe to understand disease transmission and prevention, because they already know more than most of the adults do on the epidemiology of zombie diseases–the key is to get them to use that knowledge and broaden their thinking into various “what if” situations that they’re able to talk out and put pieces together.
It can be scary going to talk to kids. Since this was a new program, we didn’t know if anyone would even show up, or how it would go over. Greg brought a watermelon for some weapons demonstrations (household tools only–a screwdriver, hammer and a crowbar, no guns or Samurai swords) which was a big hit. Still, I realize many scientists are more comfortable talking with their peers than with 13-year-olds. Talking about something a bit ridiculous, like an impending zombie apocalypse, can lessen anxiety because it takes quite a lot of effort to be boring with that type of subject matter; it’s entertaining; and kids will listen. And after all, what you don’t know, might eat you.
Zombie Apocalypse Has Begun! PREPARE PREPARE – Outbreaks Occurring Nationwide
Beginning in May, on a sunny day in Miami, Florida, America began living its very own
Zombie fantasy. As you know, there are thousands of homeless people in the world. Well 65 year old Ronald Poppo, who was one of these unfortunates, was walking in an alley of down town Miami, when 31 year old Rudy Eugene decided he looked delicious. Eugene was found naked under a bridge, chewing on Poppo’s face. The Miami police yelled at Eugene to stop, but he wouldn’t and for Poppo’s safety, the police shot at Eugene. They shot at him in the chest several times but he was still alive, after shooting him even more, Eugene dropped to the ground dead. Poppo is now in a hospital in Miami. He is doing fine and is to have physical therapy.
Poppo is not the only zombie victim in the U.S. there was a woman who ate part of her baby’s brain, three of its toes, and part of its intestines. There was another college student who killed and ate his roommate. That definitely makes me not want to live in dorms. There was another attack where the man threw his own intestines at the police officers. Finally, a Canadian porn star lost it and ate someone, oh and also threatened the Prime Minister.
Yes, there are finally Zombies in North America and who knows if they are in any other part of the world. There is nothing we can do about it. Let’s face it; we all know that this country is all pretty screwed up. There are some crazy people in the country.
People are starting to say that the Zombie apocalypse is almost here. When I was younger, my mother joked around about the zombie apocalypse. I got really scared. Little did know that I was going to write an article about Zombies. People are freaking out about this when you are actually pretty safe. There is a 0.25 in a 10 percent chance that you would be a Zombie victim. But just in case, you should be ready for the Zombies next attack.
Look, everyone knows that the Zombies are coming and there is nothing we can do about it. Just be prepared. This is the updated list of the do’s and don’ts, and how to tell if Zombies are in your town.
Let’s start.
How do you know there are zombies in your town?
Well, if you start hearing crazy people chanting to themselves, then yeah they are on the verge on Zombie-hood (or they are in a popular teen cult…either way, probably bad news). We all know that the crazy people are going to become zombies first because they were neglected and left to live on the streets. You can also tell there are Zombies in the town when you hear screaming and police cars all night long. And the final way to see if there are Zombies in your town is if you see a lot of new (but empty) graves. That means one of three things:
A- The Zombies have been crawling out of their graves.
B- There have been a lot of deaths, which means that they died from Zombies eating them.
C- That pesky teen cult thing again.
How do you prepare for a Zombie apocalypse?
Two words: Get Weapons.
When picking your weapons, you want to get something that you can shoot or throw or stab them with from a long distance because you don’t want to get the Zombie juice on you. The main weapon that you want is a gun. When you get a gun, your first choice is a hand gun. Hand guns can hold more bullets and you can empty and re-lode fast. They are easy for travel and you can put them almost anywhere. You want to make sure that you have more than one gun because the gun can get lost or broken. If you can’t get the gun, then you want a machete. Go ahead and cut off their heads. Make sure that you don’t get the Zombie juice in your blood through a cut or something…it will turn you into a Zombie. You can use pretty much anything, just kill the brain. Cut off the head then smash it. If you want you can burn it. Just don’t let any other Zombie eat the body because then the Zombie will get stronger.
After you get your weapons, you want to get a safe spot. I would say a basement because Zombies can’t lift heavy things or their limbs will fall off. Or you’re going to want to hide in an attic. You want to be as far away from a graveyard as possible. Try getting a cabin in the middle of the woods. Make sure that you have food storage because you don’t know how long you will be there.
How you know you got infected and what to do.
If you got any Zombie juice on you, and you didn’t disinfect it by burning the area you are probably on your way to being a Zombie. If it gets into your blood then kill yourself if you don’t what to become a Zombie. If you decide to kill yourself then you should knock yourself out and have someone throw you in a fire so you know that you won’t become a Zombie. If the Zombie juice gets in your system without you knowing the symptoms of Zombieitis, you’re going to want to go through this check list:
- Are you choking on nothing?
- Do you have green splotches on your skin, dizziness, and craving for raw meat? Especially Brains?
- Is your skin falling off like a leper?
If you said yes to any of these, you may want to kill yourself.
But you never know when they are going to crawl out of their grave…OH WAIT THEY HAVE!
Y’all had better stop reading and start killing the Zombies
Awesome Homemade Zombie Apocalypse Killing Weapons
When the end comes eventually bullets will run out. Don’t toss your guns aside cause ya never know if and when you may run across a stash of ammo..but one thing is for sure…you will still have to protect yourself and those with you..so i present to you some of the best ideas to keep you swinging in the Z-POC
Force the White House to Plan for the Zombie Apocalypse
Obama is grabbed by some zombies because he had no plan.Though a recent string of bizarre cannibalism incidents in Miami, Maryland, and Canada does not necessarily indicate that the zombie apocalypse has commenced, it’s really only a matter of time until it does. And what then? Amazingly, it doesn’t appear that the Obama administration has a plan for dealing with the greatest threat to our nation since terrorist anchor babies.
Luckily, there’s a solution. In 2011, the Obama White House created a website,We the People, where the American people can post and sign petitions on any issue they desire. If a petition receives 25,000 signatures within 30 days, “White House staff will review it, ensure it’s sent to the appropriate policy experts, and issue an official response.” So today, out of a sense of civic duty, we started a petition calling on the Obama administration to go public with a plan for the zombie apocalypse.
The petition reads:
Every government’s primary responsibility is the safety of its citizens. And yet the Obama administration has thus far failed to produce a plan for dealing the with the zombie apocalypse which, according to the Internet, could happen at any moment.
What’s the protocol for distributing vaccines/machine guns? Where will ragtag bands of uncontaminated, racially diverse strangers find safe haven? If President Obama turns into a zombie, will Joe Biden become president, or will Zombie Obama still be president?
These are just some of the questions that deserve serious consideration from the White House.
Please take a moment of your time to sign the petition and pass it on to others. Your future as a fully sentient human being may depend on it.