Tag Archives: quarantine

Dept. of Homeland Security Warns of Impending Zombie Apocalypse

If there’s one thing Americans love, it’s the zombie apocalypse. I don’t know why, really. Although some people think that it would be cool to blow the heads off the undead and attempt to survive in a brutal post-apocalyptic landscape, most people would get their fat asses either gnawed on by zombies or shot by a survivalist looking for supplies. The harsh reality is that most people wouldn’t survive the zombie apocalypse, but we can keep dreaming that we’re the exception – we’re all Rick from The Walking Dead.

This month is National Preparedness Month, and the Department of Homeland Security is capitalizing on the never-ending zombie craze to make people start thinking about what they would do in the event of a disaster.

According to the AP, DHS is urging citizens to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. “The Zombies are coming!” they say.

Except they’re not. At least not right now. DHS’s message is that if you’re prepared for a zombie attack, you’ll likely be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack. That’s because all of those events have something in common – the need for shelter, food, water, etc. DHS wants emergency planners across the country to use the “zombie attack” trope to get people into the disaster preparedness mindset.

Of course, this isn’t the first time that a government organization has mentioned the z word to citizens. Last year, the Centers for Disease Control actually acknowledged zombies and released their own zombie preparedness guide.

Here’s what the CDC says would happen, on a governmental response level:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).

It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated. Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas (I will be volunteering the young nameless disease detectives for the field work).

Even though the CDC clearly has a plan, they officially denied the known existence of zombies after a rash of cannibalism stories hit the news earlier this year.

If you have the money and truly wish to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, you can’t go wrong with this kit for the 1%.

LQP-79 The Zombie Virus

The LQP-79 virus is not like a zombie virus from the movies which you can never destroy or which progresses rapidly. The virus works very much like the common flu virus and can take as long as 48 hours for symptoms to occur. The LQP-79 mental virus can be cleaned up with common sense and household chemicals if you suspect something has been contaminated. If you have an open wound or break in the skin and a blood transfer takes place there is not know cure for the LQP-79 virus and mind disease.

One you have been infected with LQP-79 virus you must be isolated from society until a cure can be found or you must be destroyed to stop the spread of this deadly mental disorder. The LQP-79 virus can be spread by anyone within speaking distance and word of the disease taking over the minds of young victims in their early teens has occurred in North America.

Not all victims of the LQP-79 virus are susceptible to cannibal attacks or have a taste for flesh. A predisposition to aggressive mental disorders can alter the course of a LQP-79 virus infection and each victim will have their own experiences. A sustained long period of overheating and high fever are common in all LQP-79 virus victims in the 24 to 48 range as the victim comes to realize the disease is setting in. Paranoia, vomiting and nudity are common first signs of LQP-79 virus infection and anyone with a fever should seek medical attention or plan for their death. If you have sudden urge to bite someone you might have been infected with the LQP-79 virus and you should quickly subdue yourself in quarantine until authorities arrive. If you are unable to control your urges you can supplement your hunger with the bloody red meat from the grocery store for a short period of time.

Eating red meat is usually unhealthy for you but in the case the weight if the decision is on your mental state and the heart troubles from eating red meat are less important. If red meat is out of the question or you are a vegan you may have more difficulty in calming your cravings for flesh after a LQP-79 virus infection. A decision must be made swiftly before you decide to dine on humans.

The LQP-79 virus can be washed off most surfaces like counter tops and bathroom floors with bleach, alcohol and Lysol in the can. Apply a liberal amount of these or any household chemicals all over the infected surfaces in your home, car and office space to make sure you do not spread this debilitating disorder. If you keep your home as clean as a hospital you can often avoid the LQP-79 virus.

If someone is infected with the LQP-79 mental virus and decides to eat another person you must act quickly to stop the spread of this deadly mental disorder and end the life of the fleas eating cannibal. Contrary to internet myth and movie adaptations a human zombie cannot be trained or cured to a level of interaction with other humans ever again. The desire to consume humans will never leave you once you have it.

Avoid bars, restaurants and public places where the LQP-79 virus might be present and ignore internet rumors about a hoax or jokes being played ion the american people. The internet is the greatest disinformation tools in the world and you can believe everything you don’t read on the internet.