Zombie Apocalypse Megastore

More than ever before the issue of possible zombie apocalypse has been on everyone’s minds. There was that face-eating guy, then another guy ate somebody’s brain just weeks later. In Canada (where I’m from) we also had a guy who comitted monstrous, zombie-worthy acts.

The other day, on my way to work I came across a woman sitting on a milk crate. She was surrounded by newspaper clippings about those recent news events and a bunch of hand-written posters that said “ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE COMING. SUN FLARES. AGE OF AQUARIUS.” I was intrigued enough to stop. I said, “What are you selling?” She looked at me, smiled and calmly said, “I’m not selling anything, darling. I’m just preaching. They’re coming.” I looked around for cameras because I am clearly in the movie about zombies… or is this the real thing?

The point is, maybe it’s time to start thinking seriously about how best to prepare for zombie apocalypse and most importantly – who should be on your zombie survival team. I know you’re probably thinking about the kid you used to know who spent his entire childhood studying military strategies and started his own playground army. Or about the guy you knew in high school who could break into that empty warehouse and throw a party complete with foam-making machine and fire-eating acrobats, or maybe the girl who’s was a science whizz in college and patented a biological warfare out of avocado skins. Sure, knock yourself out assembling all those nice people to be on your team, but you’ll still be missing the crucial member: The leader. What you really need is a new parent. No one is better prepared to lead a survival team – just check out the extensive characteristics and training that amount to creating a perfect zombie-resistance fighter like you’ve never seen before.

Physical stamina – Ability to lift extreme weights (toddler, toddler in a stroller) for prolonged periods of time while running through series of obstacles (stairs, taking the stroller on the bus) with only minimal nourishment (eating meals with toddler who demands a variety of dinners or, to be put on a potty or, to climb onto your lap or who simply grabs your food off of the plate and flings it across the room).

Mental stamina – From the Oxford Dictionary of Sports: “The ability to maintain a high level of motivation for long periods despite discomfort and discouragement; a component of endurance.” (Maternity leave?)

Endurance training – For example, prolonged periods of sleep deprivation combined with developing mental stamina (“Why is the cat black?” “Why is the cat a cat?”), with ability to judge quickly in surprising situations (sudden soiled diaper) while continuing to perform at top physical level (making it to daycare, work, playdate on time). This training is also customized for nighttime (“Why is it dark?” “What is night?”).

Excellent strategic planning – For example, tasks to be completed in limited time under duress (work starts at 9 am, daycare is 15 minutes away, it is 8:45, toddler just took all his clothes off for no reason) combined with additional external circumstances (such as sudden rainfall), and conflicting orders from the members of the team (parent #2 remembers important medical appointment at 9:10; there’s only one car).

Judgment – A situation (birthday party for toddlers) with an element of surprise (falling toddler/ a yellow ball that everyone wants to play with despite seven other balls available) that needs immediate resolution (catching toddler/ hiding the yellow ball).

Loyalty – Faithfulness to the team (family) despite extenuating circumstances (family is acting like jerks, everybody is crying, toddler smashed your iPad).

Combat abilities – From Wikipedia: “Combat is a purposeful violent conflict meant to weaken, or establish dominance over the opposition, or to kill the opposition, or drive the opposition away from a location where it is not wanted or needed.” Please note that after five hours of interrupted sleep, three cups of coffee, and I’ve got the power by Snap on repeat and a variety of surprise elements , a parent runs on pure adrenaline. Zombie? Come at me, bro.