Zombie Apocalypse Megastore

College student eating a housemate’s heart? Homeless man eating another homeless man’s face? Porn star sending body parts to government members? “Cannibalism is the hot new trend,” observed Stephen Colbert on last night’s Colbert Report. “And you thought saggy pants were annoying.” The recent spate of these freak incidents in the news has wide swathes of the American public convinced we have a zombie apocalypse on our hands. “It does make one wonder,” Colbert said. “After all, something has clearly eaten [Fox News host] Trace Gallagher’s brain.”

So it came as a relief when the federal Centers for Disease control on June 1 told the Huffington Post that “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).” Colbert was not buying it, though, especially in light of a (tongue-in-cheek”) CDC “zombie awareness” campaign last year. “It makes sense that zombies would be attracted to science,” he said. “I mean, they’re intellectual elites. All they care about is braaaaaiiiiiinnnnns.”