Tag Archives: Falling
ZOMBIE SURVIVAL – How to assemble your zombie response team
More than ever before the issue of possible zombie apocalypse has been on everyone’s minds. There was that face-eating guy, then another guy ate somebody’s brain just weeks later. In Canada (where I’m from) we also had a guy who comitted monstrous, zombie-worthy acts.
The other day, on my way to work I came across a woman sitting on a milk crate. She was surrounded by newspaper clippings about those recent news events and a bunch of hand-written posters that said “ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE COMING. SUN FLARES. AGE OF AQUARIUS.” I was intrigued enough to stop. I said, “What are you selling?” She looked at me, smiled and calmly said, “I’m not selling anything, darling. I’m just preaching. They’re coming.” I looked around for cameras because I am clearly in the movie about zombies… or is this the real thing?
The point is, maybe it’s time to start thinking seriously about how best to prepare for zombie apocalypse and most importantly – who should be on your zombie survival team. I know you’re probably thinking about the kid you used to know who spent his entire childhood studying military strategies and started his own playground army. Or about the guy you knew in high school who could break into that empty warehouse and throw a party complete with foam-making machine and fire-eating acrobats, or maybe the girl who’s was a science whizz in college and patented a biological warfare out of avocado skins. Sure, knock yourself out assembling all those nice people to be on your team, but you’ll still be missing the crucial member: The leader. What you really need is a new parent. No one is better prepared to lead a survival team – just check out the extensive characteristics and training that amount to creating a perfect zombie-resistance fighter like you’ve never seen before.
Physical stamina – Ability to lift extreme weights (toddler, toddler in a stroller) for prolonged periods of time while running through series of obstacles (stairs, taking the stroller on the bus) with only minimal nourishment (eating meals with toddler who demands a variety of dinners or, to be put on a potty or, to climb onto your lap or who simply grabs your food off of the plate and flings it across the room).
Mental stamina – From the Oxford Dictionary of Sports: “The ability to maintain a high level of motivation for long periods despite discomfort and discouragement; a component of endurance.” (Maternity leave?)
Endurance training – For example, prolonged periods of sleep deprivation combined with developing mental stamina (“Why is the cat black?” “Why is the cat a cat?”), with ability to judge quickly in surprising situations (sudden soiled diaper) while continuing to perform at top physical level (making it to daycare, work, playdate on time). This training is also customized for nighttime (“Why is it dark?” “What is night?”).
Excellent strategic planning – For example, tasks to be completed in limited time under duress (work starts at 9 am, daycare is 15 minutes away, it is 8:45, toddler just took all his clothes off for no reason) combined with additional external circumstances (such as sudden rainfall), and conflicting orders from the members of the team (parent #2 remembers important medical appointment at 9:10; there’s only one car).
Judgment – A situation (birthday party for toddlers) with an element of surprise (falling toddler/ a yellow ball that everyone wants to play with despite seven other balls available) that needs immediate resolution (catching toddler/ hiding the yellow ball).
Loyalty – Faithfulness to the team (family) despite extenuating circumstances (family is acting like jerks, everybody is crying, toddler smashed your iPad).
Combat abilities – From Wikipedia: “Combat is a purposeful violent conflict meant to weaken, or establish dominance over the opposition, or to kill the opposition, or drive the opposition away from a location where it is not wanted or needed.” Please note that after five hours of interrupted sleep, three cups of coffee, and I’ve got the power by Snap on repeat and a variety of surprise elements , a parent runs on pure adrenaline. Zombie? Come at me, bro.
Zombie Apocalypse Has Begun! PREPARE PREPARE – Outbreaks Occurring Nationwide
Beginning in May, on a sunny day in Miami, Florida, America began living its very own
Zombie fantasy. As you know, there are thousands of homeless people in the world. Well 65 year old Ronald Poppo, who was one of these unfortunates, was walking in an alley of down town Miami, when 31 year old Rudy Eugene decided he looked delicious. Eugene was found naked under a bridge, chewing on Poppo’s face. The Miami police yelled at Eugene to stop, but he wouldn’t and for Poppo’s safety, the police shot at Eugene. They shot at him in the chest several times but he was still alive, after shooting him even more, Eugene dropped to the ground dead. Poppo is now in a hospital in Miami. He is doing fine and is to have physical therapy.
Poppo is not the only zombie victim in the U.S. there was a woman who ate part of her baby’s brain, three of its toes, and part of its intestines. There was another college student who killed and ate his roommate. That definitely makes me not want to live in dorms. There was another attack where the man threw his own intestines at the police officers. Finally, a Canadian porn star lost it and ate someone, oh and also threatened the Prime Minister.
Yes, there are finally Zombies in North America and who knows if they are in any other part of the world. There is nothing we can do about it. Let’s face it; we all know that this country is all pretty screwed up. There are some crazy people in the country.
People are starting to say that the Zombie apocalypse is almost here. When I was younger, my mother joked around about the zombie apocalypse. I got really scared. Little did know that I was going to write an article about Zombies. People are freaking out about this when you are actually pretty safe. There is a 0.25 in a 10 percent chance that you would be a Zombie victim. But just in case, you should be ready for the Zombies next attack.
Look, everyone knows that the Zombies are coming and there is nothing we can do about it. Just be prepared. This is the updated list of the do’s and don’ts, and how to tell if Zombies are in your town.
Let’s start.
How do you know there are zombies in your town?
Well, if you start hearing crazy people chanting to themselves, then yeah they are on the verge on Zombie-hood (or they are in a popular teen cult…either way, probably bad news). We all know that the crazy people are going to become zombies first because they were neglected and left to live on the streets. You can also tell there are Zombies in the town when you hear screaming and police cars all night long. And the final way to see if there are Zombies in your town is if you see a lot of new (but empty) graves. That means one of three things:
A- The Zombies have been crawling out of their graves.
B- There have been a lot of deaths, which means that they died from Zombies eating them.
C- That pesky teen cult thing again.
How do you prepare for a Zombie apocalypse?
Two words: Get Weapons.
When picking your weapons, you want to get something that you can shoot or throw or stab them with from a long distance because you don’t want to get the Zombie juice on you. The main weapon that you want is a gun. When you get a gun, your first choice is a hand gun. Hand guns can hold more bullets and you can empty and re-lode fast. They are easy for travel and you can put them almost anywhere. You want to make sure that you have more than one gun because the gun can get lost or broken. If you can’t get the gun, then you want a machete. Go ahead and cut off their heads. Make sure that you don’t get the Zombie juice in your blood through a cut or something…it will turn you into a Zombie. You can use pretty much anything, just kill the brain. Cut off the head then smash it. If you want you can burn it. Just don’t let any other Zombie eat the body because then the Zombie will get stronger.
After you get your weapons, you want to get a safe spot. I would say a basement because Zombies can’t lift heavy things or their limbs will fall off. Or you’re going to want to hide in an attic. You want to be as far away from a graveyard as possible. Try getting a cabin in the middle of the woods. Make sure that you have food storage because you don’t know how long you will be there.
How you know you got infected and what to do.
If you got any Zombie juice on you, and you didn’t disinfect it by burning the area you are probably on your way to being a Zombie. If it gets into your blood then kill yourself if you don’t what to become a Zombie. If you decide to kill yourself then you should knock yourself out and have someone throw you in a fire so you know that you won’t become a Zombie. If the Zombie juice gets in your system without you knowing the symptoms of Zombieitis, you’re going to want to go through this check list:
- Are you choking on nothing?
- Do you have green splotches on your skin, dizziness, and craving for raw meat? Especially Brains?
- Is your skin falling off like a leper?
If you said yes to any of these, you may want to kill yourself.
But you never know when they are going to crawl out of their grave…OH WAIT THEY HAVE!
Y’all had better stop reading and start killing the Zombies
Volcanic activity recorded at Mexico’s ‘Popo’
Mexico City (CNN) — Scientists recorded continuing volcanic activity Tuesday in Mexico’s Popocatepetl volcano, which sits just southeast of Mexico City and its more than 19 million residents.
Local government officials and residents began taking precautions, with schools in the zone near the volcano closing Tuesday and the government advising residents to close windows and avoid the outdoors.
Activity had decreased in Popocatepetl overnight, but eight exhalations of low intensity were recorded, Mexico’s National Center for the Prevention of Disasters said.
A low amplitude tremor lasting 40 minutes early Tuesday morning was also felt, the agency said.
Officials placed the alert at Popocatepetl — which means “Smoking Mountain” in the native Nahuatl language — at Yellow Level 3. This means there is a probability of explosive activity of an intermediate to high scale, an eruption of lava and a spewing of ash.
A glow was visible inside the crater overnight, the agency said.
Popocatepetl is one of Mexico’s highest peaks and last had a major eruption in 2000. It is located in a national park southeast of Mexico City and can be seen from there on a clear day.
Already, scientists have observed a continuous column of water vapor and moderate amounts of ash rising from the crater. Falling ash was reported in the city of Puebla, the capital of the state.
A seven-mile perimeter around the volcano has been cleared, and the Puebla state government asked residents to limit travel between cities near the volcano.
To guard against falling ash, residents should close doors and windows, cover water tanks and food and avoid outdoor activities, the government said.