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8 Tips For Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse
Here at What Culture we consider ourselves to be experts in many different things. Sure we have massive brains filled with the latest gaming news, movie tidbits and comic book geekery but did you know that we’re also the leading experts on surviving a zombie apocalypse? Darn tooting we are! In fact, if the Government called upon us to protect you lovely people from having your brains eaten by your dead grandma we’d know exactly what to do. So it seems only fair that we share this information with you – our dear readers – just in case we’re a bit busy helping the Governments of the world sort out their living dead problems.
So let’s begin with the basics.
1. How Likely is A Zombie Outbreak
According to the BBC, researchers in Canada concluded that unless a Zombie outbreak was dealt with quickly and aggressively it would in fact lead to the downfall of civilisation. You see, people have actually been funded to look into this kind of ‘eventuallity’ under the pretence that the idea of an outbreak of Zombieism works in much the same way as any other alien infection and thus the research can help prepare for such a real life scenario. Personally we think this is all part of the Government’s attempts to keep Joe Public in the dark. Research is being undertaken to prepare for Zombies, like it or not.
If you’re still unsure about the reality of Zombies then just take a look at nature and you’ll see that such infections already exist within the animal world. Take Toxoplasmosa Gondii for example. It lives inside the body of the common Rat, but the only place it can bread is inside the intestines of a Cat so it takes over the brain of Mr Rat and makes him get himself eaten. The parasite actually programmes the Rat, much like a similar parasite could programme the human brain. In fact over half the world’s population is infected by this little bugger already. What if it were to evolve? Scary thought, hu?
Need more examples? How about Haiti, home of the term Zombie. People there were infected with an acute neurotoxin that actually wiped the memories of the victims, left them in a barely conscious state and caused them to shuffle around performing basic daily tasks such as eating. There are books and documentaries on this – and we don’t mean ones called Zombie Flesheaters. And if you’re STILL not convinced then have a look at the symptoms of Mad Cow’s Disease – muscle spasms, dementia, rage, changes in gait – it’s all there in black and white for the sceptics out there. All that’s keeping us safe at the moment is the fact that none of the aforementioned causes have taken hold … yet.
2. Know Your Zombies
Like with most things there are different types of Zombie. As we haven’t been face to face with any as of yet it’s safe to assume that any of the weird shit you’ve seen on TV or in a video game could actually be true. However, tradition dictates a certain type of Zombie – at least in the first instance. Who knows if they can evolve or adapt over time?
Here’s what we do know:
1. Zombies can be both the reanimated corpses of the already dead OR any living thing that has been bitten and thus transformed.
2. Zombies are slow. Any notion that they may be able to run should be disregarded. Sure, if you’ve just been turned then you may have use of your full leg muscles a while but rigor mortis reaches maximum stiffness after 12 hours, so beyond that we should assume the creature cannot run.
3. The brain of a Zombie is not entirely dead. It continues to operate at 0.5%. No Zombie will ever win a pub quiz then – but they are brighter than most of the people who go on Jeremy Kyle’s TV show.
4. The primary weapons of a Zombie are it’s hands/claws and it’s teeth. You’re not likely to change sides if you get scratched but a bite will damn sure bring about a sudden case of death. Well, more like a slow agonising case actually.
5. The original cause of a Zombie plague grossly affects how us humans can be turned. For example, if the cause is airborne then you might become a Zombie just by breathing. Likewise the original Zombies may just be reanimated corpses and you could be turned by a bite – the transference of saliva which carries a parasite etc. Or in some cases you may already be carrying whatever it is that turns you (like in The Walking Dead) and when you die you will become a member of the undead without ever coming into contact with one. Let’s just hope that if/when Zombies walk the Earth the only way for you to be turned is by a bite. At least that gives you more of a fighting chance at survival.
Zombie Apocalypse List Of Attacks in 2012, Real Or Just Covered More?
We’ve all grown up watching zombie films, from old black and whites to ‘Resident Evil’ to ‘The Walking Dead’, but people seem to believe that zombies may very well exist today, and that the CDC is covering it up. Creepy right? But everyone loves a good conspiracy.
Everyone may have heard by now of the ‘Miami Zombie’ attack back in May, where a man, Rudy Eugene, attacked a man, and proceeded to eat away large sections of the homeless man’s face. The responding police officer shot Rudy, and instead of going down, as any normal human would, Rudy turned to the police officer and growled, snapping his teeth like a rabid dog. The gunshots didn’t seem to phase him, and he was unnaturally strong, but soon succumbed after additional gunshots. The explanation? A variant of LSD “Bath Salts”, which is made from a three drug cocktail and causes hallucinations, psychosis, violence, and an immunity to pain.
But what has our every-day zombie conspirators in an uproar are the strange events that happened before, and after, this incident. Separately these incidents have no relevant pattern or meaning, but strung together they create the Zombie Apocalypse Theory. This Zombie Apocalypse list of attacks is still growing for 2012, please let us know if you know of other incidents in the comments.
Zombie Rash in Hollywood Florida May 16, 2012
15 Students and 2 teachers at McArthur High School in Hollywood, FL broke out in mysterious rashes. “Their arms and abdomens are covered in rashes,” says Fire-Rescue Division Chief Mark Steele as he spoke to the Miami Herald, “It happened pretty quickly, so we believe that this is something that’s very acute.”
What frightened people most was when the school was evacuated and a HazMat team came in to investigate. The students and teachers who were exposed were reportedly in a reading room, where no chemicals of any kind should have been. It began when a majority of a class of 21 students, walking from one classroom to the reading room, started developing itchy rashes and hives. The Florida Public Health and Medical Department arrived along with the Fire Department, and showered those affected in an area set up outside the school before being transported on a plastic lined school bus to Memorial Regional Hospital. After a time in the hospital, it was reported that the itchy rashes were the only symptom, and that everyone was stable. What caused the rash remains a mystery, and it was reported that the HazMat did not find anything suspicious and gave the all-clear.
May 18, 2012
An unknown chemical exposure shut down a terminal at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport. The chemical is still unknown, but a spokesman from the airport says that it appeared to be an aerosol can that discharged in someones luggage. It sent five people to the hospital with reparatory complaints. Officials say that more than 1,000 passengers and 14 flights were delayed because of it. Enough for a zombie theory? Not really, but its on the list.
Zombie Apocalypse in Illinois on May 21, 2012
A Bellwood man in La Grange, IL allegedly grabbed an 18-year old woman by the neck, twisted her right arm andbit her cheek while threatening to kill her if she called the police. The man, Lloyd Cortez, 18, was arrested.
Zombie Apocalypse in Lauderdale Lakes, FL on May 23, 2012
Another mysterious outbreak has officials completely baffled. Four 6th graders and a teacher at Lauderdale Lakes Middle School were examined by authorities after experiencing itchiness and bumpy red rashes, the same as the twelve students experienced a week before. HazMat returned to the scene after the school was put on lockdown for a second time. The incident has been named the cause of an “undetermined irritant” which is a fancy way of saying “we don’t know.”
May 25, 2012
EMS and HazMat crews respond to a school in Lake County when 27 children and adults came off of a school bus feeling ill. They has watery eyes and were coughing, and complained of an odd smell on the bus. The children and adults were washed down with hoses. The cause is still unknown although they believe it was a pesticidethe bus driver used to clean the bus earlier.
Zombie Apocalypse in Jamaica, FL May 25, 2012
A “disoriented” passenger rushed the front of a plane going from Jamaica to Miami after standing in his seat and ignoring the crew member’s instructions to sit down. He was subdued by some of the 165 passengers on flight 320. Ryan Snider has been arrested on federal charges, although according to the FBI this was not a terrorism-related incident. Though the question remains, if he truly was ‘disoriented’ in a medical way, why is he being arrested on federal charges?
Zombie Apocalypse in Miami, Florida May 26, 2012
The Miami Zombie attack, described above.
MIAMI CANNIBAL / Zombie FACE REVEALED, Rudy Eugene
Zombie Apocalypse in San Diego, CA May 29, 2012
An altercation began at a family gathering in the Spring Valley area of San Diego, resulting in the suspect, later arrested, biting off the nose of his cousin who was raced to the hospital.
Zombie Apocalypse in Baltimore, Maryland May 2012
About a week or so after the Miami Zombie incident, 21 year old Baltimore student, Alexander Kinyua, accused of killing his roommate, told police he did kill the victim, Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodi, and ate his heart and part of his brain. He hid the hands and head of the victim in his family’s basement laundry room. Earlier in May Kinyua was charged in another attack where the victim was brutally beaten but did survive.
Maryland Cannibal / Man Admits Eating Heart of Victim
Zombie Apocalypse in China Early July 2012
In Wenzhhou, in south east China, reports a bus driver named Dong was drinking heavily during lunch that day. He then suddenly ran out into the road and stood in front of a car begin driven by a woman named Du, stopping her from driving any further. Dong then climbed onto the hood of her car and began beating at the hood and windshield. The frightened woman screamed for help, then tried to escape, climbing out of her car and running. Witnesses say Dong leapt from the car and tackled her, wrestling her to the ground where he then began biting her face. Witnesses successfully wrestled Dong away from the woman and he was taken into custody. Du was taken to the hospital where doctors said she would need surgery to repair her nose and lips.
Zombie Incident on July 7, 2012
Officers respond to a scene a little before 4:30am to find two men restraining Jeremiah Aaron Haughee, age 22, naked in a puddle of urine and glass. The homeowners aokie to the sound of Haughee destroying their garden and outdoor furniture. He crawled up onto the roof, then leapt off, landing on the hood of their truck causing $1,500 worth of damage. The man then leapt onto the homeowner and bit him in the stomach. The homeowner will be permanently disfigured. Officers called for backup and put leg shackles and handcuffs on Haugee, they also used a spit hood and a stun gun to try and subdue him. Despite all this, Haugee then moved his cuffed hands from the back of him to the front while still kicking at the polices officers. They used the stun gun on him five times, and was then taken to the hospital and given Ketamine.
Naked Man Shot Three Times With Stun Gun – Another Cannibal?
– Cops in Canada are also searching for a low budget porn actor, Luka Rocco Magnotta, who allegedly killed a young man with an ice pick, dismembered the body, then proceeded to rape and eat the flesh from the corpse. He allegedly mailed some of the body parts to Ottawa, and is accused of killing cats on video and posting the footage online. Reports say he may be in France at the moment.
Luka Magnotta – Interview with a Psychopath
These instances have people wondering whats behind the flesh eating wave and the strange outbreaks in the various schools. According to the federal government however, a Zombie Apocalypse is the last thing we need to worry about and does not even exist. Over the years the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) has released a couple of “zombie warnings” which are actually just disaster preparedness stunts. But about a month ago they made it official: Zombies do not exist.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Zombies
Zombie survival guides are a blood-stained dime a dozen, but won’t somebody please 
think of the zombies? It’s a hard “life,” full of unending hunger, long monotonous stretches of boredom, a homogenous diet, and unceasing drool. Plus, you never get to change into a clean pair of underwear, and that’s just bad luck.
Well, I’m somebody—a yummy body to the zombies—and I’m happy to oblige. It seems fitting that I, man of alterity and otherness, would be considerate of the needs of zombies. You don’t get much more otherwise than they. So without further moaning, zombie-walk ado, I present seven habits of highly effective zombies.
- Get Involved in a Community – The lone wolf or isolated zombie is easily seen, easily avoided, and easily whacked. Join a mass of your fellow flesh-eaters and stay hidden. It offers you safety, strength in numbers, and a better chance of surrounding and getting your mouth on some of that living meat you so excitedly crave.
- Be Patient – Aristotle taught that virtue is a mean between excess and defect. When you’re in a group advancing on your prey, don’t rush to the front where you’ll be the first to fall, and don’t meander at the very back where you’ll never get your hands on even a multiply-stomped-on strip of intestine. You want to be close to the front, but biding your time. Wait for the frontline zombies to wear down the food. When it’s your turn to strike, your meal will be exhausted, out of bullets, and primed for you, the walking abattoir.
- Have Foresight – This habit is also important before you become a zombie. If you know you’re doomed to be dinner and maybe to life as a zombie, try to get bitten on a part of your body that won’t slow you down or handicap you later. Avoid bites on the leg. You’ll want mobility. The face is fine, but make sure you still have a working jaw. You can get by without an arm, but you’ll be a much more effective killer with all your appendages intact. I recommend guiding the gnawing jaw of a zombie to your chest or back.
- Keep Your Moaning to a Minimum – No sense in announcing your presence. If your voice box alerts your prey, rip it out. You’re a zombie; you can take the biblical injunction literally.
- Eat on the Run – Some zombies like to sit or crouch down to relax and enjoy their food. This is usually unwise. The living may be lurking, looking for distracted zombies to bash in the head. If you must sit, have your back against a wall, and eat with your head up and your eyes peeled. By the way, peeled eye is quite succulent if you can get your hands on some.
- Attack the Unarmed – This may seem a no brainer, but that’s part of your problem, isn’t it? Stay away from humans with guns, blades, bats, and other weapons. You may want to focus on anyone unarmed who could conceivably obtain a weapon and appears to have the knowhow to use it, but this approach obviously has its risks.
- Stalk Close Friends and Family – No one wants to shoot a spouse, parent, child, or good friend in the head. Take advantage of this momentary hesitation to go in for the kill. Beloved celebrities like Justin Bieber or Katy Perry should stalk their once adoring now delicious fans. On the flip side, avoid your enemies, and, if you were a horrible boss, your former employees. People lose their moral compass during a zombie apocalypse and won’t hesitate the blow the brains out of people they really hated if presented with the mere possibility that they’ve become zombies. In The Simpsons, Zombie Flanders learned this the hard way when approaching his neighbor Homer, who, after shooting his undead foe, remarked, “He was a zombie?”
So there you have it. Happy effective hunting!
5 Things to Know About Zombies
The Bridgewater Township Library is holding its Zombie Party Thursday at 6 p.m. for grades six through 12, as everyone will be invited to see if they have what it takes to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. The party will include Zombie Trivia, Humans vs. Zombies tag and much more. So in honor of this exciting evening, we present five things to know about zombies.
Information from trivology.com.
- Completely Undead—Zombies are fictional characters that are brought back to life after death. Once back, they are said to feed on human flesh. They come back to life through some kind of magic.
- Programmed Robot—Supposedly, zombies are not conscious of having been brought back to life, and they act like robots with no other objectives.
- Long Popularity—Zombies have been popular in European and American cinema since the 19th century.
- Really Scary—Zombies are considered to be very scary villians in cinema because they are not afraid of anything. They also tend to pop up randomly in films, frightening those around them.
- Spread by Bite—Normally in films, if a zombie bites another human just once, that person will become a zombie too.
10 Essentials for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: A Practical Guide
In many ways, vampires and zombies are two sides to the same coin. Both are undead. Both spread their condition through bites. Both have specific methods in which they can be killed. But vampires are the patricians of the undead with fussy European accents, bright sparkly skin, cheerleader girlfriends, tailored suits, and slinky party dresses. Zombies, on the other hand, are strictly blue-collar and, I daresay, typically American. They roam the streets, disheveled, dispossessed, homeless. They are the middle class, marginalized into oblivion.
Taken singly, zombies are slow, idiotic, and relatively easy to kill. Laughable, even, with their witless drive and ungainly movements. One zombie? Destroy the brain, drop the shambler. But collectively, zombies are an inexorable force, knocking down chain-link fences, busting through windows, treating your neighbors like bowls of spinach dip. They’re the ultimate union. And their collective bargaining powers can’t be legislated away.
To survive the zombie apocalypse, you’re going to need a plan. Survival means you’re going to have to accept the blue-collar ethos that the zombies embody. Time to roll up your sleeves, put on your best Mike Rowe face, and get ready to do some dirty work. In no particular order, here are 10 essential items for surviving the zombie apocalypse. For a more in depth exploration into zombie apocalypse survival techniques and items, feel free to check out This Dark Earth, my zombie survival treatise-cum-novel. Wait. Not a cum-novel. Strike that last bit. Sheesh, you people.
Headknockers come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You can find one in every garage, every toolbox in America. A hammer, a hatchet, a crowbar, a two-by-four. A Louisville slugger. Destroy the brain and you’re good to go. Big plus: relatively quiet and no need to reload.
Any more zombies than two, your best bet is hunching over in a protective ball, placing your head between your legs and giving your gluteus maximus one last smooch in thanks for all the good times.
If you have Kevlar motorcycle gear, in addition to looking cool, you’re freaking gold, hombre.
Unless you’re into the weird stuff.