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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Zombies
Zombie survival guides are a blood-stained dime a dozen, but won’t somebody please 
think of the zombies? It’s a hard “life,” full of unending hunger, long monotonous stretches of boredom, a homogenous diet, and unceasing drool. Plus, you never get to change into a clean pair of underwear, and that’s just bad luck.
Well, I’m somebody—a yummy body to the zombies—and I’m happy to oblige. It seems fitting that I, man of alterity and otherness, would be considerate of the needs of zombies. You don’t get much more otherwise than they. So without further moaning, zombie-walk ado, I present seven habits of highly effective zombies.
- Get Involved in a Community – The lone wolf or isolated zombie is easily seen, easily avoided, and easily whacked. Join a mass of your fellow flesh-eaters and stay hidden. It offers you safety, strength in numbers, and a better chance of surrounding and getting your mouth on some of that living meat you so excitedly crave.
- Be Patient – Aristotle taught that virtue is a mean between excess and defect. When you’re in a group advancing on your prey, don’t rush to the front where you’ll be the first to fall, and don’t meander at the very back where you’ll never get your hands on even a multiply-stomped-on strip of intestine. You want to be close to the front, but biding your time. Wait for the frontline zombies to wear down the food. When it’s your turn to strike, your meal will be exhausted, out of bullets, and primed for you, the walking abattoir.
- Have Foresight – This habit is also important before you become a zombie. If you know you’re doomed to be dinner and maybe to life as a zombie, try to get bitten on a part of your body that won’t slow you down or handicap you later. Avoid bites on the leg. You’ll want mobility. The face is fine, but make sure you still have a working jaw. You can get by without an arm, but you’ll be a much more effective killer with all your appendages intact. I recommend guiding the gnawing jaw of a zombie to your chest or back.
- Keep Your Moaning to a Minimum – No sense in announcing your presence. If your voice box alerts your prey, rip it out. You’re a zombie; you can take the biblical injunction literally.
- Eat on the Run – Some zombies like to sit or crouch down to relax and enjoy their food. This is usually unwise. The living may be lurking, looking for distracted zombies to bash in the head. If you must sit, have your back against a wall, and eat with your head up and your eyes peeled. By the way, peeled eye is quite succulent if you can get your hands on some.
- Attack the Unarmed – This may seem a no brainer, but that’s part of your problem, isn’t it? Stay away from humans with guns, blades, bats, and other weapons. You may want to focus on anyone unarmed who could conceivably obtain a weapon and appears to have the knowhow to use it, but this approach obviously has its risks.
- Stalk Close Friends and Family – No one wants to shoot a spouse, parent, child, or good friend in the head. Take advantage of this momentary hesitation to go in for the kill. Beloved celebrities like Justin Bieber or Katy Perry should stalk their once adoring now delicious fans. On the flip side, avoid your enemies, and, if you were a horrible boss, your former employees. People lose their moral compass during a zombie apocalypse and won’t hesitate the blow the brains out of people they really hated if presented with the mere possibility that they’ve become zombies. In The Simpsons, Zombie Flanders learned this the hard way when approaching his neighbor Homer, who, after shooting his undead foe, remarked, “He was a zombie?”
So there you have it. Happy effective hunting!
UK ZOMBIE OUTBREAK – Zombie Takes A Bite Out Of Leather Bus Seat
“British police said they are trying to identify a bus passenger recorded by a CCTV camera biting a chunk out of a leather seat.
Police said footage from the No. 12 bus in Paignton recorded the man biting a chunk out of the seat around 8:20 p.m. May 25, causing about $314 worth of damage, The Mirror reported Monday.
We all know that zombies have a penchant for eating human brains, and it`s also a well-known fact only folks who don`t have any brains rely on public transportation.
My guess is that this young man is a frustrated zombie who ate the leather seat in desperation; he couldn`t find any human brains to devour.
A bus is a perfect place for a zombie to hang out; he fits in with the homeless, thugs, mashers, and other creeps who rely on public transportation.
Why is the bus company spending so much money for leather seats, when winos will urinate on them, thugs will slice them with knives, mashers will fondle them, and zombies will chew on them?
5 Things to Know About Zombies
The Bridgewater Township Library is holding its Zombie Party Thursday at 6 p.m. for grades six through 12, as everyone will be invited to see if they have what it takes to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. The party will include Zombie Trivia, Humans vs. Zombies tag and much more. So in honor of this exciting evening, we present five things to know about zombies.
Information from trivology.com.
- Completely Undead—Zombies are fictional characters that are brought back to life after death. Once back, they are said to feed on human flesh. They come back to life through some kind of magic.
- Programmed Robot—Supposedly, zombies are not conscious of having been brought back to life, and they act like robots with no other objectives.
- Long Popularity—Zombies have been popular in European and American cinema since the 19th century.
- Really Scary—Zombies are considered to be very scary villians in cinema because they are not afraid of anything. They also tend to pop up randomly in films, frightening those around them.
- Spread by Bite—Normally in films, if a zombie bites another human just once, that person will become a zombie too.
ARIZONA ZOMBIE PREPPERS – Necessities to survive the zombie apocalypse and where to get them
The zombie apocalypse is imminent. The particulars are still uncertain, but what does it matter, really? The world is about to be overrun by walking, cannibalistic corpses, and that’s all you need to know. If you want to survive this inevitable disaster, you have some shopping to do. Here are some essential items you can get at local stores:
Ruger 10/22 rifle: $250 at Second Amendment Sports
A .22 rifle is really all you need to kill zombies, because it doesn’t matter how big the hole is if you shoot them in the head. The Ruger 10/22 is one of the most popular rifles and is relatively cheap. It also makes a great gift for that special someone you’re hoping to repopulate the planet with.
Federal Ammunition Lightning .22LR Ammunition: $2 per 50-round box at Walmart
This higher-powered .22 ammo packs a bit more of a punch while still being dirt-cheap. Both the cheapest and the most important item on this list, ammunition will be the first thing stores run out of when the zombies attack, so buy lots of it now and go shoot some targets to hone your skills.
Gray-Nicolls Evo Slayer Youth Cricket Bat: $70 at Sports Authority
No zombie-killing arsenal would be complete without a solid wooden bat for close-quarters fighting, so why not class it up and smash skulls the British way? This particular cricket bat not only has a badass name but also has wicked tribal decals in a zombie-riffic black-and-green color scheme.
Alpinestars Bionic 2 Protection Jacket: $200 at Cycle Gear
Riding a motorcycle has its perks: better gas mileage, a high adrenaline rush and exponentially-increased risk of death. But did you know bikers also sometimes wear a suit of high-tech synthetic armor, which happens to be perfect for fighting zombies? This armored jacket is bite-proof and impact-resistant, so it should make significant headway in keeping you alive.
MSR MiniWorks EX Water Filter: $90 at REI
Any large-scale disaster, especially in Arizona, threatens the availability of clean drinking water. Having a good water filter means you can turn slimy green puddles into drinking water, so you don’t die of dehydration or dysentery. Don’t be the one who dies of chronic diarrhea in the middle of the zombie uprising, it’s just embarrassing.
REI Flash 62 Pack: $190 at REI
You’ll need a good backpack to carry your gear and any supplies you find while you’re on the move. This pack has lots of storage space, snazzy styling and puts the weight on your hips instead of your shoulders so you can carry more weight for a longer period of time.
Leatherman Blast Multi Tool: $55 at Sportsman’s Warehouse
Leatherman tools are basically Swiss Army knives on steroids. This one has a knife, saw, file, screwdriver, scissors, can-opener and pliers, making it invaluable for life after Z-Day. Cheaper versions exist, but this model is a good balance between cost and utility.
Total: $865
This might seem like a lot, but surviving the zombie apocalypse is priceless. Even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have taken notice, writing up a full guide for survival — clearly, this is a viable threat. You can find the CDC guide online at http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm.
‘Zombie’ Rudy Eugene and Ronald Poppo met before Miami ‘Causeway Cannibal’ attack, friend says
MIAMI, Fla. — It has been months since a face-chewing attack in Miami that left a homeless man hospitalized with portions of his face missing, but many questions still remain.
Rudy Eugene, who was shot and killed by police, is accused of brutally attacking Ronald Poppo during Memorial Day Weekend. But according to new reports, this wasn’t the first time the two met.
According to the Miami Herald, Eugene’s friend Christian says the two had met Poppo before while volunteering with Miami’s homeless community.
“[Ronald Poppo] seemed like a nice and kind man,” Christian exclusively told the Herald. “I remember when we gave him food.’’
Eugene was not on “bath salts” or synthetic marijuana when he chewed the face off Poppo, according to toxicology reports.
But many scientists and skeptical observers don’t believe the reports.
Broward Sheriff Al Lamberti is just one of the doubting Thomases who think the so-called “Causeway Cannibal” was on something not caught by either of the two labs that ran the toxicology tests.
“We are not testing for everything that may be out there,” said Dr. Barry Logan, one of the nation’s leading toxicologists.
That’s because they can’t.
Clandestine labs are using more than 100 chemical compounds to make synthetic marijuana, but even the most sophisticated lab can only test for 17, said Logan, director of Forensic and Toxicological Services at NMS Labs in Pennsylvania, the same lab hired by Miami-Dade County to help test Eugene for bath salts and synthetic marijuana.
Bath salts, also known as synthetic amphetamines, are also hard to track for the same reason.
There are hundreds of bath salt compounds out there, but toxicologists can only test for 40, Logan said.
“This is always a moving target,” Logan said. “As soon as a test exists for something, there are new compounds waiting in the wings. We are always a step behind.”
Even Logan was surprised when Eugene’s drug scan found only traces of marijuana.
“His behavior was consistent with someone who was delusional and hallucinating, which would be consistent with bath salts,” Logan said.
The report released last week by the Miami-Dade County Medical Examiner contained this disclaimer: “Within the limits of current technology by both laboratories, marijuana is the only drug identified in the body of Mr. Rudy Eugene.”
Experts say there is no question Eugene’s behavior was drug-induced – and not by marijuana. But it’s hard to prove because even the most sophisticated labs cannot test for every compound.
“We are not incompetent,” said Dr. Bruce Goldberger, professor and director of toxicology at the University of Florida. “We have the tools, we have the sophistication and know-how. But the field is evolving so rapidly it is hard for us to keep track. It’s almost as if it is a race we can never win.”
Goldberger thinks Eugene was on a drug far stronger than marijuana the day of the attack.
“To say marijuana could have induced this behavior is simply outrageous,” Goldberger said. “No matter how sick mentally or physically a person is, they don’t go around eating people’s faces, or barking at police, or eating a dog, like what happened recently in Texas.”
A Waco man who tried to eat a dog on June 14 told police he was high on synthetic marijuana at the time.
Users say they are drawn to fake weed because it gets them high and doesn’t show up in most drug tests.
One chronic pot user said she’d been smoking synthetic marijuana for two years, then was rushed to the emergency room when she tried to stop cold turkey.
The hospital tests found only traces of marijuana – just like with Rudy Eugene.
Ann Howard, a spokeswoman for the Florida Department of Corrections, said probation officers have the option of testing for designer drugs.
But the tests are expensive – anywhere from $200 to $300 for synthetic marijuana and up to $500 for bath salts, Goldberger said.
Probation officers may not test everyone, but they will target high-risk candidates, said Jim Hall, director of the Center for the Study and Prevention of Substance Abuse at Nova Southeastern University in Davie.
It’s for their own good, he said.
“These are the guinea pig drugs of 2012,” Hall said. “The people using these drugs are risking their lives, their minds and their kidneys. Some of these people have had to be put on dialysis for the rest of their lives.”
Oakland Park resident Jimmy Hewett says his probation officer had him tested for synthetic marijuana after he was quoted in the Sun Sentinel saying he smoked the stuff.
A judge issued a warrant for his arrest after he admitted using the designer drug.
Because it is openly sold at gas stations and convenience stores, Hewett says he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong.
But on July 17, he will have to answer to the court. The charge: Violating probation.