Zombie Apocalypse Megastore

Though a recent string of bizarre cannibalism incidents in Miami, Maryland, and Canada does not necessarily indicate that the zombie apocalypse has commenced, it’s really only a matter of time until it does. And what then? Amazingly, it doesn’t appear that the Obama administration has a plan for dealing with the greatest threat to our nation since terrorist anchor babies.

Luckily, there’s a solution. In 2011, the Obama White House created a website,We the People, where the American people can post and sign petitions on any issue they desire. If a petition receives 25,000 signatures within 30 days, “White House staff will review it, ensure it’s sent to the appropriate policy experts, and issue an official response.”  So today, out of a sense of civic duty, we started a petition calling on the Obama administration to go public with a plan for the zombie apocalypse.

The petition reads:

Every government’s primary responsibility is the safety of its citizens. And yet the Obama administration has thus far failed to produce a plan for dealing the with the zombie apocalypse which, according to the Internet, could happen at any moment.

What’s the protocol for distributing vaccines/machine guns? Where will ragtag bands of uncontaminated, racially diverse strangers find safe haven? If President Obama turns into a zombie, will Joe Biden become president, or will Zombie Obama still be president?

These are just some of the questions that deserve serious consideration from the White House.

Please take a moment of your time to sign the petition and pass it on to others. Your future as a fully sentient human being may depend on it.