Tag Archives: uprising
ARIZONA ZOMBIE PREPPERS – Necessities to survive the zombie apocalypse and where to get them
The zombie apocalypse is imminent. The particulars are still uncertain, but what does it matter, really? The world is about to be overrun by walking, cannibalistic corpses, and that’s all you need to know. If you want to survive this inevitable disaster, you have some shopping to do. Here are some essential items you can get at local stores:
Ruger 10/22 rifle: $250 at Second Amendment Sports
A .22 rifle is really all you need to kill zombies, because it doesn’t matter how big the hole is if you shoot them in the head. The Ruger 10/22 is one of the most popular rifles and is relatively cheap. It also makes a great gift for that special someone you’re hoping to repopulate the planet with.
Federal Ammunition Lightning .22LR Ammunition: $2 per 50-round box at Walmart
This higher-powered .22 ammo packs a bit more of a punch while still being dirt-cheap. Both the cheapest and the most important item on this list, ammunition will be the first thing stores run out of when the zombies attack, so buy lots of it now and go shoot some targets to hone your skills.
Gray-Nicolls Evo Slayer Youth Cricket Bat: $70 at Sports Authority
No zombie-killing arsenal would be complete without a solid wooden bat for close-quarters fighting, so why not class it up and smash skulls the British way? This particular cricket bat not only has a badass name but also has wicked tribal decals in a zombie-riffic black-and-green color scheme.
Alpinestars Bionic 2 Protection Jacket: $200 at Cycle Gear
Riding a motorcycle has its perks: better gas mileage, a high adrenaline rush and exponentially-increased risk of death. But did you know bikers also sometimes wear a suit of high-tech synthetic armor, which happens to be perfect for fighting zombies? This armored jacket is bite-proof and impact-resistant, so it should make significant headway in keeping you alive.
MSR MiniWorks EX Water Filter: $90 at REI
Any large-scale disaster, especially in Arizona, threatens the availability of clean drinking water. Having a good water filter means you can turn slimy green puddles into drinking water, so you don’t die of dehydration or dysentery. Don’t be the one who dies of chronic diarrhea in the middle of the zombie uprising, it’s just embarrassing.
REI Flash 62 Pack: $190 at REI
You’ll need a good backpack to carry your gear and any supplies you find while you’re on the move. This pack has lots of storage space, snazzy styling and puts the weight on your hips instead of your shoulders so you can carry more weight for a longer period of time.
Leatherman Blast Multi Tool: $55 at Sportsman’s Warehouse
Leatherman tools are basically Swiss Army knives on steroids. This one has a knife, saw, file, screwdriver, scissors, can-opener and pliers, making it invaluable for life after Z-Day. Cheaper versions exist, but this model is a good balance between cost and utility.
Total: $865
This might seem like a lot, but surviving the zombie apocalypse is priceless. Even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have taken notice, writing up a full guide for survival — clearly, this is a viable threat. You can find the CDC guide online at http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm.
10 doomsday preps that will get you killed
First things first: You need a firearm. The time for “common sense gun control” went out the window the second grandpa came back from the afterlife to make a sandwich out of your face. No matter what your political stance was before the uprising, you fucking love the Second Amendment now. You want the biggest, shiniest, loudest monstrosity possible. If there’s a gun that shoots a thousand bullets a second; that’s great. If there’s one that shoots a thousand flaming bullets a second; even better! If there’s a gun that shoots out other guns that all fire thousands of flaming bullets in mere seconds–like some sort of pyramid scheme comprised entirely of shredding death infernos–well, that would be just dandy. But even if you already have the god-king of firearms at your disposal, you’re still not ready. You need to arm everybody in your group, you need spares just in case and you need ammo. In short, you need to get to the gun store.
The only problem being: So does everybody else.
The closest gun shop to your house is also the closest gun shop to a thousand other people’s houses, and at least a few dozen of them are going to get there before you. Assuming that the place isn’t clean out–probably because the shop is either locked down like a fortress, or because the owners are barricaded inside and would rather like to keep their livelihood and defensive measures, thanks–you still need to get your arsenal. See, owners of gun stores tend to like guns, and people that like guns not only generally want to keep them, but are also quite capable of using them.
“You can have my gun… when you come down to my place of business and ask politely. I’ve got a lot, take one!”
Now you and a thousand other people are on the outside of a suburban fortress, hurling “pretty pleases” at a half-insane, heavily-armed, trained marksmen inside. Not only are you probably not coming away from the gun store with a shiny new weapon; you’d be lucky to get out of there without an impromptu sunroof installed in your skull.